|
Post by River on Sept 26, 2006 17:00:14 GMT -5
theifteawolf.proboards70.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=angst&thread=1159307744Too explicit for me to post here... There's a buttload of cursing but I honestly couldn't care less... in fact, don't read it. I'm telling you not to read it. It'll only give you bad ideas about me and stuff... so just... forget I ever posted this... Why am I still posting it? I don't know okay? I don't know anything, I'm a moron... I guess I spent like 20 minutes on it, someone should see it and no one's gonna see it there since nobody friggin' cares anymore... and now she's dead so there's no reason to...
|
|
Malice
All ur base are belong to us!
So fine, I never see you leaving by the back door.
Posts: 440
|
Post by Malice on Sept 26, 2006 17:09:00 GMT -5
wow, River, I'd say I hope you're alright, but I can tell from the post you're not...
I'm going to repeat what everyone else is going to tell you, because it's the only thing; don't blame yourself...
|
|
Faust
Daily Press
P4 Head Messenger
Posts: 1,044
|
Post by Faust on Sept 26, 2006 17:17:05 GMT -5
Malice is right this isn't your fault at all. And I do not think badly of you at all in fact I have the highest respect for you.
|
|
|
Post by River on Sept 26, 2006 17:28:36 GMT -5
You're right, it's not my fault... It didn't happen because of me... No, but I made no difference. No difference at all. I made her stinking laugh, something she told me she hadn't done in a long time. I went to her house, we played games and had fun, I thought we had fun... But it wasn't enough, it's never enough... No difference at all...
|
|
Malice
All ur base are belong to us!
So fine, I never see you leaving by the back door.
Posts: 440
|
Post by Malice on Sept 26, 2006 17:48:08 GMT -5
You said you made her laugh and spent time. Dude, that is a difference. For a moment, even if it was just a moment, you changed someone's life...
My friend ended up in a rehab center after I thought I did something good. I did effect her for that time I was there...
|
|
Faust
Daily Press
P4 Head Messenger
Posts: 1,044
|
Post by Faust on Sept 26, 2006 17:50:36 GMT -5
She may of still ended her life however that doesn't mean you didn't make a impact on her life. Just by be her friend and making her laugh which is something she hadn't done for awhile is a difference.
Its just that pain is a very strong emotion and every one deals with it in their own way. There are people who get hurt and cry, and then there are thous who let it sit inside. Or even if they do cry they let it dwell in there mind (I myself fall into this category.).
|
|
|
Post by River on Sept 27, 2006 6:17:00 GMT -5
Sorry guys... After taking a night to think about this, I feel bad for dumping it all on you out of nowhere. I mean, like ten minutes before this post, I was chatting about girl problems with you.. and now I'm all morbid and making you struggle for things to say and what not... I should've left it on the SS...
But, I appreciate your attempts anyway... I just don't think I can look at this the way you do, that I made her happy for five minutes and that was enough. If it were enough, she wouldn't have done what she did... I guess I can't help feeling... betrayed. I know I was her friend, but I had thought she was also mine... but I guess not...
|
|
|
Post by Sargy [Jigg] on Sept 27, 2006 14:50:53 GMT -5
River, I had to cope with a friend ‘Betraying me’ as well. I know how hurt and useless you can feel afterward. I thought me and my friend were really close, then she met a boy and I went up to talk to her when she was talking to him, she turned round, yelled at me to “Shut my face and fuck off, you lowlife! You’re a freak, Niki, I can’t believe I used to hang around with you!” I had to get sent home from school because I nearly threw up. And I was crying all through Spanish.
Its horrible. Truly horrible. Think, though, if your friend decided she didn’t want to live anymore, perhaps she truly didn’t, maybe her parents talked to her about it, but she really didn’t like life anymore? Its like a hobby, if someone wants to quit it really no one can stop them. Maybe she just decided she couldn’t take it anymore. Its not your fault, It really isn’t. If it’ll help I could write you a story. I can make funny ones that can cheer people up. But that’s only if it will help.
Loosing a friend is bad, but live goes on, don’t let it hold you back, River, you really are an amazing person, my friend (Toxikch) says you’re an amazing inspiration for characters with your great personality and exceptional imagination. And that’s saying something, he doesn’t like staff usually.
We love you, River, we really, really do!
|
|
|
Post by River on Sept 27, 2006 15:03:13 GMT -5
My god, I love the internet. ^^
Thank you Jig, like a hundred thousand times thank you. All of you. All throughout today, I felt so invisible to everyone. At school, I'm the girl who draws dogs all the time. I'm no one specific unless someone needs help on their art homeowrk or we're reviewing grades on a math test. I'm just a brain and a pencil, that's all. No one ever sees me. Even at home, with my family, I feel... unimportant. Anytime I draw something for my grandmother, she always makes a point about my always drawing dogs. My brother doesn't even care that I can draw, to the point of knocking my art off the desk and not bothering to pick it up, not even when my dog is walking all over it...
But not on the net, no way. You guys think I'm somebody when I'm not... and I like that. ^^
My dad thinks I'm obsessed with role-playing, but I'm not. You're just my friends and I wanna be with you guys rather than eat dinner with people who don't even notice me...
|
|
|
Post by Sadae on Sept 27, 2006 19:22:43 GMT -5
I know how you feel there. There've been plenty of times were I've been ignored and shooed away by so called 'friends'. Besides my one and only best friend in real life, my only friends are here where I can feel appreciated and noticed. Don't worry Riv you'll get over this tough time, it was just her time to go and it sounds like you did a lot for her just before she died.*gives River a hug* We all love you.^^
|
|
Malice
All ur base are belong to us!
So fine, I never see you leaving by the back door.
Posts: 440
|
Post by Malice on Sept 27, 2006 19:41:26 GMT -5
It's funny how the internet works that way. We can be present in RL, be seen, yet no one truly sees us. However, when we're here, with this mask, where we can only guess at what someone else looks like, we can be seen. Seen for are talents rather then a number or body...
*hugs River*
|
|
|
Post by Domnopalus on Sept 28, 2006 20:36:30 GMT -5
I know this is pretty much solved, but I feel like I should offer my consolation also. As everyone else said, you can't blame yourself. You did nothing to provoke her into doing that and you only were helping her out of your goodness. Thus, you should be guilt free. When it comes to issues like what this girl was going through, there comes a time when there is simply nothing that can be done. Essentially, they've given up for good. Situations like what happened to this girl before she killed herself were simply too much for her to handle, and though this sounds like it is the worst thing to say in this case, it could even have been for the better that she decided to end it for herself, however cowardly I believe that to be. In any case, what's done is done and it is not for lack of YOU caring, because you DID care, and if that wasn't enough for her to stay alive, then nothing is, was, or ever would be, and therefore her existence would be pointless in a sense. It was out of your hands.
I'm personally so glad to see how you feel about the internet, too. When we can have the time to just sit down and think things over and compose our letters to each other and do it all blindly--apart from what we see that has been produced by us--there is something so pure and great.
|
|
|
Post by River on Sept 28, 2006 20:53:18 GMT -5
Like so many others, Dommie, you're right... in a sense. I refuse to believe she was helpless, that she'd given up. She was stupid, took things too personally and made a split-second decision that screwed life up for so many people. Her mother cared about her, cried with her, did all these things for her and she still didn't bother to stick around and help her get through it all. She was selfish, and while this may all sound insulting, it was true, in my opinion. All humans have bad qualities that that must realize in order to better themselves. Sammi was a pretty self-centered person, like those characters noobs make, only deeper. While this did not harm her being as a person at all, since I think, in a sense, she realized such qualities existed but merely refused to accept them, it was indeed her undoing, her ignorance of the impact she had on other people. In her mind, everyone was helping her but she was my friend... and I'm sad to find out she's dead, that we can't laugh together anymore... and I just don't think she realized this would be the end result...
People like that worry me... My brother is the same way, refusing to admit when he's wrong and merely beating himself up rather than simply accepting that he makes mistakes like every other human being. He's pesimistic, the way Sammi was and, despite recent developements that make me believe I hate him, I don't want him to make this same split second decision. My mother could never take it, the way Sammi's mom can't take this... I don't think I could take it either...
So, maybe I'm being a hypocrite for doing this but I refuse to believe that they are lost causes, that I can't do anything. Maybe it took me too long to realize what i could've done for Sam but I won't leave my brother to same fate...
Thank you Dom.
|
|
|
Post by Domnopalus on Sept 29, 2006 5:57:18 GMT -5
I emmensely respect your choice to refuse to believe that there are lost causes. What you've written is true, and verified by the fact that you knew them first hand, so I support what you've said. We don't have to condemn people to lost causes until after it is too late, as a way of acceptance because we only tear ourselves up if we dwell on it. While there is the possibility for them to be helped, AKA they're alive, then by ALL means we need to do our best. That being said, it is important that we learn from the past and those who we couldn't help in order to better ourselves in helping the people who are still hanging on.
|
|